2021-09-02

Fuck Everything, We're Going to Five Shots

Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of vaccines in this country. The Pfizer coronavirus vaccine was the one to get. Then the other guy came out with a one-shot adenovirus vaccine. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the booster shot. That's a third shot to make the vaccine even better. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four shots. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, pushing three jabs. Effective or not, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five shots.

Sure, we could go to four shots next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a double-jab booster and call it the Super Terrific booster shot. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're Pfizer, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the vaccine game.

What part of this don't you understand? If two shots are good, and three shots is better, obviously five shots would make us the best fucking coronavirus vaccine that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the vaccine game by clinging to the two-shot industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five shots is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from R&D. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more shots in these people. I don't care how. Make a syringe with two needles. Put needles on the handle to jab the nurse too. I don't care if they have to cram all five shots onto a single five-needled syringe, just do it!

You're taking the "health" part of "health care" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make vaccine history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five shots can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-shot vaccine becomes the go to treatment for the coronavirus.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to roll out, they said. The public won’t buy it. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs in India, working on fucking Ivermectin. Anti-viral, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Regenron's wake and make monoclonal antibodies. Maybe we should sell vitamin D3 and zinc. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Nature’s Made is the day I leave the pharmaceutical game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The govternment? Listen, we are the government. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey Fauci, your board seat isn’t going to be there forever!" Or "If you don’t have a fifth booster shot, you’re going into prison with the unvaccinated!"

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Pfizer is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five shots, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: tell people they need to take antiviral pills on top of the vaccines. That's right. Five shots, two daily anti-viral pills, and make the second one taste like pumpkin spice. You heard me—pumpkin spice chewable. It's a whole new way to think about fighting coronavirus. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the point—the needle point of greatness—and I feel like dancing.

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