2021-02-10

Fuck Everything, We're Going to Negative Five Percent

by Haruhiko Kuroda, Governor of the Bank of Japan.

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of central banks going to negative interest rates. We invented QE. Then some other central bank came out with QE and started adding numbers. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called negative interest rates. That's below zero for people in the USA. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to negative too. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, with negative rates doing nothing. Suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to negative five percent.

Sure, we could go to negative one percent next. Then negative two percent. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, if one worked out pretty well, two is the next number after one. So let's play it safe. Let's make go a little more negative and buy more ETFs. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're the motherfucking BOJ, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the negative interest rate game. Are we the princes of the yen? Fuck, no. The BOJ is the King.

What part of this don't you understand? If negative two percent is good, and three percent is better, obviously five percent would make us the best fucking central bank policy that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the central bank game by clinging to the postiive interest rate standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, negative five percent is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from the economists. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me how to make policy—I tell them. And I'm telling them we're going to negative five percent. I don't care how.

You're taking the "stability" part of "financial stability" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make central bank history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that negative five percent can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the negative five percent interest rate becomes the policy of the Federal Reserve in the US of "this is how we central bank now" A.

People said we couldn't go negative. It'll destroy the yen, kill the bond market, cause hyperinflation they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a think tank is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable at the European Central Bank, common currency my ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in the Fed's wake and do more liquidity injections. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like the Federal Reserve is the day I leave the central bank game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, getting anything less than negative five percent is like eating the 2 week old hotdogs at 7-11." Try "Your interest rates are going to be so friggin' negative, someone's gonna walk up and hand you a bag of cash."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which the BOJ is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, negative five percent, sweet Emperor in heaven.

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